I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
