i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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