you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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