HIV tests are more positive than that guy
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
