the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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