What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
