what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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