Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
