also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
