I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
