Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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