Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
