Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
