dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
