i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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