im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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