I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
