so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
