Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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