But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
