Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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