why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
