We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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