You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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