i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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