Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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