do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
