He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
