mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
