so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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