and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
