I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
