I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize