I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
