You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
