Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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