remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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