You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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