I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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