you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
