i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize