He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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