Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So here I am, sexting at work.
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