I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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