I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
