allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
