How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
