According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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