yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
