mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
