I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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