We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize