conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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