you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
