did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
