my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
not ubering you a puppy
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
