My cat gives me a boner
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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