He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
