alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
