tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
