you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
