Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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