Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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