he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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