I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Mom said you looked used
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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