mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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