Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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