so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
